Healing my past, one step at a time⎬

In Summer 2018, a profound “Summer Of Healing” for me, one day, out of the blue and all of a sudden, I felt the intense desire to go back to my hometown, Milan. I had been absent for more than a decade…

While I had always loved my city, many years ago, when I met my husband, because of his conditioning (and of his family) and his control on me, I started developing a profound hatred for Milan- and wanting to run away at all costs.

While of course I can’t tell the whole story here, and prefer to keep this post short and sweet, this has been a huge energetic block for me, that I was completely unaware of. For many years actually, I was oblivious to this block. I could sense there was something that prevented the completely natural and free flow of energy in my body and in my life- but I could not see or understand what it was.

However, after the ginormous amount of healing work I have done on myself, and especially after the steep and most intense part of my spiritual awakening, I started feeling a sense of tenderness and warmth inside. I started feeling softer about this subject, about Milan. About Italy. And about my roots, and my past- all parts of my identity.

Being spiritually awake, I could see clearly and feel deeply that my wound was being healed. I had the desire of going back to  my city, to know more about it, get intimate with it, in new, unexpected ways.

I finally felt like I was falling in love again with Milan- and that my roots were impossible to cut, no matter how hard I had tried.

In the beginning, after I made the decision, my ego tried to sabotage me, scaring me. “I don’t remember how to get there”, “What if I get lost”, “I’m very sensitive, I’ll end up exhausted”, “There are too many people there in the jungle“. But I was determined, and stayed with the discomfort.

After one hour, I was happily seated on a bus that was taking me to the city. Excited and scared all at once, like a kid on her first day of school, a teenager kissing for the first time.

Everything went smoothly, I did not get lost in the end, and I was happy and excited to be on an adventure!

As soon as I came out of the Metro, and spotted the pinnacles of the Duomo, I burst into tears. I even started sobbing! :)

And instantly, memories and a deep awareness started surfacing. Out of the blue, I had crystal clear clarity of what had happened in my past, what I had allowed to happen. I was reached by lots of epiphanies and insights, and saw things I had never seen before. It was mind- blowing…

I started exploring, letting my feet and my heart guide me. Memories kept surfacing- slowly, slowly.

I went to places where I had been all my life prior to my marriage- and loved going to. I saw everything with new, fresh eyes- even myself in the mirror of the bathroom at La Rinascente, the most famous department store in Milan.

After a magnificent, exciting, challenging and moving day, I was completely exhausted. I had walked for miles around the city, just wanting to see everything and catch up as fast as I could.

When strolling around, I had the idea of starting a new journal and diary- all dedicated to my Dates With Myself in my city. I called it “My Milano Diary”. Of course, a healing journal. I started it with the phrase, “This is the beginning of anything you want“.

I promised to myself I would have come back soon, because despite the exhaustion- I felt like a tourist wanting to see everything in a short span of time!- I could sense the healing that was taking place in my head, in my spirit, and in my body.

Eventually, I did go back to Milan more than once in 2018 for Dates With Myself. I did not take my big camera with me, though, as I wanted to savor everything without the need to take pictures.

One day, just before Christmas 2018, I decided to go with my camera, though, and do what I love the most. Strolling around and looking at the world through my lens. No distractions in my head:  just me and the city.

I love seeing the world through my camera. It enables me to see under the surface. It enables me to be more present, to feel more, to get insights. And to fill my heart.

Right then and there, I decided I was going to do that more often.

Also because, no matter how much I love Nature and staying in Nature, this is a part of my identity, of who I am- and I also intend healing fully my wound and my past.

Definitely, coming into contact with the unresolved things makes it easier to do so.

I loved the lights, the decorations, the beautifully arranged shops, the amazing light, the stunning architecture that makes my heart beat faster every single time, the energy and movement of my city– especially lovely at Christmastime…

I loved the familiar places… even though at the same time everything looked new, like I’d never seen it before.

I was exceptionally present, and each time I was in Milan over the past year, I had a strange perception of time. The past, present and future melted together, not dinstinct and separated from one another.

Much to my surprise, there was also a Christmas Market! Of course, I stopped to see hats :)

And at a certain point, I felt like I was energetically sucked in to a side street. I had no idea why, and where I was going- but I allowed.

I ended up in a place significant to my past and my present. I had teary eyes, full of wonder and deep awareness. The place now looked completely different from my memories, but the energy was still there.

For a whole year I was too busy, and did not give myself the gift of this type of healing- and I’ve missed my city.

I have now decided to carve out the time intentionally for more dates with myself here, too- and not just in Nature. To heal my past and my life fully.

Strolling around the city, writing in my journal, sitting at a cafè, having a slice of pizza or a “panzerotto”, doing some lovely shopping, absorbing the sense of style that is in every corner here, taking pictures, just being.

And healing.

One step at a time, one breath at a time.

Monica xoxo

2 Comments

  1. Monica. I love the history and the beauty of Italy. I think Christmas time is even more special. I loved reading about your trip. The one that you bravely took alone. The trip, that has renewed all you loved and cherished deeply about Milan. I love that you wrote your truth, a few words about your past, never dwelling on the particulars, yet, focusing on your healed spirit and adventure seeking soul returning. I am so proud of this post. The pictures, like all of Italy…breathtaking. I can’t wait to visit Milan, and return to Italy again and again. Thanks for sharing your heart <3.

    Reply
    • You’re very, very welcome. And many thanks for this beautiful, unexpected comment… that made my day!
      I hope you’ll be blessed by many wonderful trips to my beautiful Country, and to Milan of course!
      Oh yes, there’s so much to see and discover… I never quite got that until now. Beyond grateful for this journey.
      xo

      Reply

Submit a Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *